okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
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Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”