That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
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GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
I hate when that happens.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar