My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
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you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Nice try, poison.