Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
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Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Just ordered me some pizza!
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse