ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
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Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
*checks Timeline*…
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.