No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
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*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
This trial is so absurd 😭
I have a type: disappointing
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown