It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
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Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
lot going on here, legally speaking.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye