Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
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[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
shampoo implies shampee
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
he was correct
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not