me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
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Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.