Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
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It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Anyone want a chair?
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
*watches the world burn*
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.