breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
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Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry