when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
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Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Pizza is an emotion right?
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.