BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
You Might Also Like
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
I saw this ending much differently.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.