I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
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She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.