I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
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I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.