Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
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Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
*cough*
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.