To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
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Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.