Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
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I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”