satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
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Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Chicken bread
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*