‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
You Might Also Like
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
How I’d get arrested…
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew