After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
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Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
#SuperBowl
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.