“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
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Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.