this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
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Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR: