People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
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“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science