I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
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ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
🏙👨🏼
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words