Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
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Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.