If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
You Might Also Like
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.