“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
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Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.