Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
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me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Strange
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Spring cleaning checklist…
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
@funTweeters I am at your service….
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.