Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
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[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.