Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
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I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.