Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
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date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Generation gap…
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”