I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
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My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
emergency phone
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Well, that didn’t work.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.