I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
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Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.