[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
You Might Also Like
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Birds & Planes.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.