When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
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[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes