[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
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Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
need him
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
did it work
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?