Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
You Might Also Like
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…