Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
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you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
They’re the worst 😩
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏