*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
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What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Are we there yet?…
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.