Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
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If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
This hospital has everything
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”