My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
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Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.