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Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.