Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
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I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what