SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
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Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.