After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
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Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Feels like the fourth month in January
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
The Assassin.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.