doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
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Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved