Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
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Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.