Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
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It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Wise advice
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*