A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
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My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.